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That Frustrating, No-Good, Very Annoying Thing Called Weight Loss

02 Jul

I am not one who likes talking about weight loss and attempts at healthy living or dieting or what have you. Partly because mine tend to be just that, attempts. But also because it seems like I can lose 3-5 pounds and then turn around and gain it back and never really see anything productive. However since moving to Texas a month ago, I’ve lost 16 pounds. So my thought is that maybe if I blog about it and share and allow people to keep me accountable and perhaps encourage me, I might actually achieve my goals.

See here’s the thing. I’m fat. I think that’s become a dirty word recently, to the point that the tendency to shy away from saying “fat” has caused a backwards problem. I’m all for women embracing curves and being healthy. For some, healthy does mean very thin because that’s your body type. For others, a healthy weight is wearing a size 14 (or whatever) because of your own body’s makeup. But I think we don’t like to say “fat” anymore because it seems rude. And it is if you’re yelling it at someone on the school playground or using it to deride someone. But to simply acknowledge that the concept of “fat” exists seems like a smart idea to me. Let me explain why I say that for me personally. I used to say I could stand to lose a few pounds or carried a little extra weight. My friends would essentially say the same thing. No one came out and said that I’m fat. And I get that there’s this underlying fear that somehow the word “fat” will trigger eating disorders and depression and other problems. And I do think in some cases, it can be a trigger for greater problems so I’m not advocating that you run around telling people to go exercise because they’re fat. It’s still a word best used by close friends or family and yourself. But I’m deviating.

The biggest problem for me was that by implying that I simply needed to drop a few pounds, instead of being direct and honest with myself about my weight was that I kept gaining it. So that initial 10 pounds that didn’t really belong became 20. And so on. Until about 2 years ago when I hit (and have stayed at since, fluctuating maybe a pound or two) 254 pounds. That’s a lot, y’all. Like an ugly number. I shouldn’t weigh that much. Part of the time I didn’t even weigh and would tell myself it’s not that much. (If you’re doing this, may I suggest that you weigh in and look at recent pictures. They are a much greater indicator of how you look than our own sometimes forgiving mirror. And yes, the mirror can be forgiving. It can be brutal in pointing out flaws but I find it very easy for me to say oh look how cute this outfit is, forgetting that I should be swimming in it if I had a healthier lifestyle). Until I confronted myself and acknowledged that I was fat, not suffering from any sort of condition, but simply refusing to eat healthily and exercise, nothing was going to change.

Unfortunately, even when I got to that point, still nothing changed. Three years ago I had weighed about 235 and got down to 218 before a trip to DC. Then I gained it all back. The discipline and desire just wasn’t there. Over the last six months, the desire’s been there, but the discipline’s been lacking. It really is a tough thing. I’ve trained my body to live like a Gilmore Girl. Poptarts, cheeseburgers, bacon, coffee, sugar, etc. I don’t know how to exist on even a partially balanced diet. Since I graduated high school (so over 10 years), my eating habits have been total crap. And while I would love to be in shape and able to wear cute clothes rather than try on 40 things and hope 1 looks good and have energy and a number of other things, I haven’t been able to find the discipline.

This last month though, the discipline has been there for me. Which by the way, if you have someone who can force you to be disciplined, I highly recommend it. So much easier. Anyway, I’ve had to walk to interviews and while I have rides to work, I’m serving tables and constantly on the go. I walk pretty much non-stop for 8 hours a day. Is it really exercising? No. But since I’m a sit and watch type of person, it is a drastic change from my usual habits. And it is reminding me that the last time I served tables (six years ago), I ate pretty much anything and never crossed 150. My goal is to change eating habits but still, a little built in active time is a good thing.

Secondly, the family friends I’m staying with through the summer are very healthy eaters. Plus they just started weight watchers. So there’s more control of portions and such too. While they’ve been very clear that I can fix my own if I don’t like it or can add on more bread or whatever, I’m choosing to eat as they do. It also seems kind of rude of me to be like ‘no, you fixed a great meal but I want something else’. So my lunches have been salads and my breakfasts are no-sugar cereal or oatmeal or eggs and dinners are full of whole grains and fruits and veggies. In fact I think the only sugar I’ve had in a month was from one slice of angel food cake and the creamer in my coffee.

The cool thing is that so far, I haven’t had to try. By simply living according to someone else’s rules and being forced to walk by my job, the pounds are coming off. A month after moving to Texas, I now weigh 238.5. It’s still a lot. My clothes fit a little better but I want them to start falling off. I still crave junk food, though I only succumbed once and got Chick-Fil-A. But I have noticed that my cravings have been more for burgers, fried chicken, salty foods. The sugar cravings have become almost non-existent. So I suppose that’s something. Little by little, my life is getting healthier.

I’m also looking into Weight Watchers myself. I don’t think I’ll go full on with meetings and such. But one of my issues with food is that I know I need to keep track of it but I’m not disciplined enough to figure out calories. The friends I’m with though have found the point system to work really well. Especially since it is easier to keep track of than calorie counting and it makes it easier to eat out. So I’m going to give it a try and see if the points system helps me stay on track.

But there is more of a point to this post that has turned out to be much longer than I initially intended. I’m here for another 6-8 weeks where my eating habits are more controlled. Then I’m back on my own again. And my goal is to be able to maintain at least 75% of the discipline. I’d love to make it a full 100% but I also feel like that’s setting up for disaster. I can get there. So I’m putting down my goals over the next two weeks. If you follow me on twitter or just want to comment here to check in with me on how I’m doing, I would be immensely grateful. It has been a long time since I’ve seen the scale at 239 (sad as that is) and I would like to start reaching numbers I haven’t seen in 5 years. For the first time, I feel like I might actually get there.

Goals:

  • -Buy a pedometer and see how many steps I walk in a typical day, including at work.
  • -Walk enough on my days off to equal the amount of steps I walk in a work day.
  • -By July 15th, add 1000 steps to each day. (The goal here is for me to hopefully focus on being more active while at home, rather than choosing to sit unless having to be at work).
  • -Create a daily points chart with goals and limits for food intake.
  • -Eat 5 servings of fruits or vegetables a day. (Eventually I will get this to 9 servings).

 

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