Have you ever just wanted to quit your current life? That’s kind of how I feel right now. (Um wow. Just realized how that sounds. Okay just to clarify, I am not suicidal or anything. Like not at all.) It’s just, you know how sometimes everything seems to be fluctuating on a scale between shitty and blah? And so you just wish you could pack up a couple suitcases and start over somewhere brand new? That’s how I feel.
What sucks about these periods in life is that the restless and unsatisfied feeling never seems to come when I legitimately have a reason to hate the world. I didn’t just get dumped or have someone I love die. I’m not homeless or unemployed. And I don’t have some life-threatening illness or other major problem. It’s that multiple pin pricks instead of the broken leg. Maybe that can be a thing. Pin Prick Syndrome. It almost has to be right? I can’t be the only one who has these periods where all the little things seem to pile on.
Like for me right now, I have a good job. I really do. I only have to work 30 hours a week, at damn good pay for Boise, and it pays my main bills with a little extra. But I really don’t like it. I’m fast remembering why I’ve always been the one to serve tables or work as a barista. I don’t mind working nights or early mornings, having a constantly changing schedule or making significantly less because I get to actually talk to people. I have next to no social interaction at my current job. That sucks more than a little. And there’s not really any flexibility. I can’t call someone in to cover because I’m the only one here. And like I said, that’s not exactly a bad situation to be in. A lot of people would be thrilled to have my job. So you know, pin pricks. That’s just one example but there are a bunch more. The shitty thing is nothing is so bad as to really justify me complaining. Nothing would make someone else truly sympathize because it is not that bad. PIN PRICKS.
But I think my biggest issue is feeling restless. I want to be a TV writer. Hell, someday, I want my own damn show. And I think I can get there. Well, that is if my writing’s any good. But I can’t do it in Boise and I’m not quite ready to make the jump to LA. Maybe I’m a bit of a chicken on that front but there aren’t many film or writing opportunities here. And I want to learn too. I want to network. I can’t do that here. A friend told me that life is 90% preparation and 10% luck. You have to be ready to take advantage of opportunities given. I can see my biggest problem is that I’m not fully prepared but I can’t get more prepared up here. I need to be somewhere else, somewhere there’s more of a mindset that focuses on film, writing, entertainment. (Austin is hella high on my list).
That desire to fix my restlessness, and knowing how to do it, is somehow making it worse rather than better. I know what needs to come next in life. But I can’t make it happen yet. Two months from Saturday, my lease will be up on my apartment, making me a free agent in a sense. That’s the toughest part. I won’t be tied into a place, needing to make the best of it for a while. I can actually consider making changes but at the same time I can’t. Again, pin pricks.
Reading this over, I’d say this is more journal-ish than most of my posts. I clearly needed to think out loud. But am I the only one who gets this way? Wanting something completely and utterly different but with no idea how to make it happen? And being so insanely frustrated with life but having no real justification for my complaints? Ugh. Not totally sure how to fix this yet but believe me, I’ll let ya’ll know if I figure it out.