Be Your Own Change/Pull up the Bootstraps & a Few Other Cliches

18 Oct

So I’ve been kind of in a funk lately. Sometimes its worse than other days, something I’m sure y’all understand but I’ve just been more down, short with people and overall pissy in the last couple months. And a big part of the problem is that I am very, very good at justifying bullshit. Like take my job. I write online resource articles and because in the past there were plenty of articles to choose from, I didn’t really take the time to find additional writing gigs. I also would choose not to write articles or not write as many because my attitude was well, they’ll be there tomorrow. Guess what? Tomorrow’s finally here and the articles are gone. The only slight justification I will allow myself is that while other writers were complaining, I was still finding work, just with a little more effort required so I kind of figured if they stopped bullshitting they might get something done. The problem now is that I have no idea if I’ll make rent or pay my bills unless I can find work right away. And at the end of the day, I had almost a year of chances to build up my savings and not have this problem. Looking for work wherever I can get it is not something I want to do. I liked being able to say that I was a writer who actually made a living at it. Mediocre living but still.

To add to that, I’ve barely seen my best friend in months since she’s in a relationship. And I’m happy for her, I really am, but I want to see her more than just at trivia night. I mean, technically we’re roommates but I’ve had one day to hang out and that was because her girlfriend was out of town. I know I could talk to her but that’s not the easiest subject to bring up. My other best friend got married a few weeks ago and last week was the first time we’d hung out since before Comic Con. We set up regular plans to hang out from now on though so that’s positive. If that wasn’t enough to frustrate me, I’ve barely touched any of my scripts in the last year or done any other projects I wanted to. Oh and I’m fat. Which is my own fault because I eat like shit and don’t exercise but knowing what needs to change doesn’t exactly bring about change if you know what I’m saying.

That’s not to say there aren’t great things in my life either. The fact that my friends are just busy is better than not having any. I love my online friends too, those I’ve met and those I will meet. I’m not one who thinks there’s something inferior about online friends, actually its quite the opposite. I write for a magazine that’s been doing much better lately and I get to recap my favorite TV shows. I have an awesome apartment and I’m not dying and I mean yeah, life isn’t totally screwed up. It’s just…not the life I want, ya know? Like, life can be pretty decent but I see what I want my life to be at 27 and its not there.

So I’ve tried doing different things to change and most haven’t worked. Part of the problem is my discipline or lack thereof. I seriously have no discipline. It’s easily my biggest flaw. I’ll tell myself that I won’t eat sugary foods for a day then by the end of the day I’m driving to the store for an 8 piece fried chicken and a bag of cookies. Okay I just read that and it sounds so disgusting when written out. But that was last Monday. And so every time I fail I end up justifying why it didn’t work out and then wasting an hour or so daydreaming or writing down ways that I could do better instead of doing it. This has become a pattern.

Today I decided that was changing. It may be the most cliched thing on the planet but I pretty much yelled at myself this morning that enough was enough. No more talking, it was time to do. I told myself that if I wanted to accomplish something then I needed to try it, not dream about a possibility. But I made one key difference in my usual pep talks. I decided that instead of setting goals, then feeling depressed when I couldn’t meet them, I was going to write down each accomplishment of the day. Big or small, I’d write it down and the next day see if I could add something else to the list. Maybe that’s obvious to some of you but I’ve never tried it before.

It’s 2:30am, a little before my usual bedtime and here’s what I accomplished. I was up and out of bed at 11:15am. The last 2 weeks I’ve sat in bed until noon bemoaning the world. I actually did my dishes after every meal instead of letting them pile in the sink for days. (I fucking hate dishes so this is big for me). I opened the windows which would seem simple but I haven’t done that in a couple weeks. (Probably contributed to the depression). I only wrote 4 articles but I did apply to 18 different jobs so I’m counting both as positive. But here’s where I’m really impressed with myself. I didn’t tell myself any rules about sugary foods, just decided to be happy about what healthy foods I did choose. It’s the end of the day and I haven’t had any sugar. Not just junk food either. I didn’t put sugar in my tea or have sweetened cereal or anything. If it wasn’t in fruit, I had no sugar today. Any of you who read this will most likely think whoop-di-do Melissa, that’s not that hard. It is for me. So the fact that I accomplished this, even for a single day is huge. And it told me that I can do this. I can turn my life around. I didn’t get everything I would’ve liked to done today but I got more than I usually do. It’s a start.

I’m only going to set one goal for myself from here on out, instead I’m going to primarily focus on what I do manage to accomplish. And each day, when I look at the day before, I’ll try to find inspiration to work out for 5 more minutes, write an extra scene, volunteer a few more hours or whatever. The one goal I am going to set is that I want to get back into church. I’m planning a blog post down the road to explain why my faith is so important to me but why I equally hate religion as a general rule. But as much as I find excuses not to get up on Sunday mornings, I miss it. So that’s my one goal. If any of ya’ll actually read my blog and want to get on my case about it that would be great.

There are a lot of cliches in the world about being whoever you want to be, dreaming big, reaching for the stars, changing your own life, etc. I want to the cliche. I’m tired of being the average exception who gets through life. Cliche or not, I want to live my life the way I believe it can be. From here on out, the life sucks, people are depressing and I hate the world bullshit ends. I may slip up but my focus is going to be optimistic. I want to be the person my friends turn to for cheering up, not just to commiserate in misery. I found the damn bootstraps. I’ll see you at the top.

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Posted by on October 18, 2011 in Life Moments & Observations


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